An Open Letter to NTL

By October 4, 200213 Comments

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th September 2002, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties – or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website…. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes – an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools – such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived … a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%…these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman…) and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don’t care, it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That’s why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn’t anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum – incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom – wankers though they are – shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief – although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from a cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit – they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it’s worthless employees.

Have a nice day – may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.


  • Paul says:

    So…not entirely satisfied, then? Poor chap.

  • Wibbler says:


  • Jac says:

    in that case, and should the fellow be interested in spending his hard earned money elsewhere, can I recommend a Renault? They are, after all, the epitomy of faultless workmanship…

  • Wibbler says:

    The 2nd best car manufacturer in France? That IS a boast… 😉

  • Jac says:

    ok, sorry, EPITOME

  • Jac says:

    well I work for Renault UK, wibbler, so your argument is fundamentally flawed.

  • kevin says:

    Totally true, ntl suck bricks and to be fair to everybody. here is the truth. they lie cheat and steal off the public. stay with sky and BT

  • Sheetal Majithia says:

    I’d like to spend a few hours with this fella. He sounds like a man who can keep me tamed. xx

  • Tony Harris says:

    you go, corporations are the enemy lolz. why dont u send your messages via pidgeon, but you’d prob then complain that that was too slow. every company you use wont be good enough, live with it. until we die and go to phone line heaven were gonna have shitty service. its something ive got used to, its like expecting a above average meal at a pub for under a fiver. all im tryin to say is lighten up, things dont work, thats the great thing about technology, no matter how fool proof they make things, they will always employ fools and fools will always buy the products, so therefore were always gonna be fucked. grow to accept this, it will make your life comfortable.
    laugh at how hard people try just to fuck up time and time again. the world will never change, no matter how many letters calling ntl or bt “idiots” or part of rectums are sent.
    as the managing director of ntl, i am more than happy to sit in my office and smoke b&h’s and download porn, safe in the knowledge that my internet will always work, because if it doesnt, i can just fire another nobody like you.

    forget it, lifes too short.

    oh and tap us a fag.


    Tony Harris
    Managing Director
    NTL Great Britain

  • mikey says:

    Another satisfied customer!

  • The Dude says:

    At least he had the nerve to tell them off (I couldnt be so honest i dont think)

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